I have a terrible habit of comparing my self to those around me. This does not bring feelings of good self worth, nor is it productive. I realize this. And I try really hard not to. Why....I ask myself... does every one else seem to have a hobby, a passion which has sort of become part of their identity. You know when you describe a person to someone else who doesn't know them, that thing you always include about them..... Like, she's a photographer, or she loves to read, or she is a great cook. Stuff like that. My whole life I've been the kind of person who gets curious to learn something, takes classes or reads or whatever, enough to satisfy my curiosity, and then I am ready to move on to something else. A jack of many trades, but master of none. Is this a personality defect? Why is it most people seem to master something and really love it, and I am constantly wandering from subject to subject, not really landing in any one place?
There are things I have consistently enjoyed. I love interior decorating, and have considered getting "certified" as a decorator, but am always hindering myself with thoughts of, well, I'm really not as good at it as so-and-so, or I must not REALLY love it because I don't do it as often as so-and-so.
I also enjoy exercising. Especially lifting free weights. I love feeling strong, and healthy. But (and there seems to always be a "but") I don't love it enough to be a personal trainer.
I love clothes and dressing in cute clothes and finding good deals on cute clothes. I sometimes think I'd love being a fashion consultant, but then I think, I am not as daring as so-and-so, or as trendy or modern as the fashions seem to be at the moment.
I love having a clean house and keeping things organized, but I'm not as organized as so-and-so, and keeping my house impeccably clean would make me insane.
I love throwing theme parties for my kids birthdays, but my ideas are not as clever or crafty as a lot of ideas I've seen on other blogs etc.
I went to cosmetology school for a little while (yes I am a beauty school drop out) and I like knowing how to do hair, but not enough to do it all day long.
I LOVE to watch food network, and I enjoy eating really good food, and I love that I can "healthify" recipes for my family, but I hate to cook for other people....I don't like opening my self up to criticism.
And when I think about it, most of my interests seem worldly, or frivolous.
I never thought of myself as an insecure person, but reflecting on this subject has caused me to reevaluate my previous notions of how secure I really feel.
Perhaps some of these feeling come from how I was raised.... For instance, I was taught that in order for someone to have credibility in a skill or subject, they had to have some sort of "credentials". I don't have credentials and I have a strong distaste for conforming to what most people consider "education" just of the sake of having "credentials".
Also, in an effort to keep me from getting stuck in a job that I would hate later, my mother encouraged me to think of all the negatives of that job first. Although her motives were good, not wanting me to be unhappy, this was very hindering. I could never try something without thinking of all the negatives first, and who wants to try something they feel negatively about?
However, there has been a constant in my life that I never wavered about (other than my testimony of the gospel) and that has been my children.
Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like I'm the perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination. But I do feel that being a mother is the most important part of my "identity". I have read more books on parenting that any other subject in my life. I give more thought and effort into being a good mother than any other area in my life. (finding balance is always tricky and I could definitely use more balance). One of the major reasons I have chosen to home school my kids is so that I can experience as much of their child hood has possible. I want to be the major influence in their lives while they are little (hopefully I'm a good influence). I think if my life ended early for some reason, the thing I might regret most would be not spending enough time with my children, so I've made that my focus. I would never regret not becoming a professional whatever, or "accomplishing" whatever, but I would regret it if I didn't spend time with the people I love most, and let them know I love them most. I want them to have wonderful memories of their child hood. I can't control how hard or easy or happy or sad their lives will be, especially as they get older. But I CAN create a safe, and happy environment for them to be little in. I can give them happy memories to draw on when maybe life isn't so happy. I can love them with all of my heart and hope that that is enough to compensate for the times when I am human and really screw thing up. I can hope that the time and effort I spent on loving them can make up for the times I loose my temper and hurt their tender feelings. NOTHING I accomplish in this life will be as important to me as the relationships I've built with my children.
And then that doubting side of my personality steps in and makes me question whether this passion for my kids is enough. Sure, I'm a mother, but most women I know are. And they are still able to do other things. They "accomplish" other things as well. "Mother" isn't their entire identity, as I feel mine sometimes is. I don't feel like a slave to the title, it is a conscious choice I made and continue to make every day. BUT.......should there be something else? Is it healthy for me to be so focused on one area of my life, even though I feel it is the most important one?
What happens when they grow up and don't need me like they used to. Will I magically change my focus and feel driven to develop another part of my personality, or will I have been so involved with this stage in my life that I get stuck in it while every one else moves past it?
For the most part I feel a great sense of peace in the path I have chosen, but there is that nagging little part of me that wonders..........
I'm interested in your comments on the subject...and NO I'm not fishing for compliments. Am I the only person who feels like this?
5 comments:
I think I know how you feel on some of this. I feel very average but when I think about what people might say about me after I'm gone it helps put things into perspective. I want people to say I was a good wife, mother and friend. That I was kind and loyal and that I lived in a way that made others feel loved. It doesn't matter if I don't have a nice house, or if I don't make cute crafts or keep the laundry always folded. Just love. I hope you know how much I love you and admire you.
I was just talking to a friend about this VERY THING the other day.....whether it's better to be AMAZING in one area or just GOOD ENOUGH at a lot of things. We decided that "dabbling" makes you a more well-rounded person. Of course, that could've been because we're both dabblers. Anything I ever take on, I know that I won't do it perfectly, which means I don't need to give it my 100% effort. Kinda freeing, no?
P.S I don't homeschool my kiddos for the very same reason you do. There is no way I could take the pressure as the primary role model 24 hours a day. Then if they end up screwy (too late on that count) I've got nobody to blame but myself :) Anyone who chooses that responsibility to I bow to....
P.S.S You may not have wanted compliments, but I think you're fabulous, whether you "DO" anything or not
I totally know how you feel! I HATE the getting-to-know-you question "What's your favorite hobby?" Well, there's nothing I'm REALLY good at so...
That being said, I agree with Rebecca and Kate. It's a great thing to be well-rounded. As a mother AND a future grandmother. I know that our kids will become more independent, but they will always NEED us. I don't think we'll ever be left behind.
You are an amazing mom (definitely someone I look up to) and I think that you have every right to feel satisfied with your current accomplishments.
I know that I feel like this a lot especially when I am looking for a job. Lots of people ask me what I want to do in a career and I don't think I have any specific thing that I want to do, besides be a mother. And when that is done, like you said, what happens? I won't be trained or qualified for anything unless I do it now. I know you are not alone in this.
I think it's hard for EVERYONE not to compare themselves to others and not feel up to par with what everyone else is doing. I also think I'm not as good as... in numerous areas in my life. I think having a passion in your life other than family is like tug-of-war. It fights with your attention from the most important things in life. Don't get me wrong, I am greatful for the things I can do, but I definitely struggle with balancing it all. Guilt comes along with the time spent on doing those things. I want to be a better mother, have more patients, spend more time, keep up with the house work, but it's so easy to get overwhelmed and just crawl into my cave and do something that I enjoy when I should be doing other things first. I don't know if I'm making any sence. But what I'm trying to say is, be greatful that you don't have a strong force tugging you away from what is most important.
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